~ 12/1/23
the first of december ,
oh how i love you so .
skipping about with the fawn and their doe .

pale cheeks and a sniffly nose ,
looking for bunny tracks in the snow .

none of it was true ~ 11/30/23
the you i thought i knew ,
turns out
none of it was true .

caring , gentle , selfless
ive never met someone quite as selfish .

left my life in ruins ,
i built myself back up .
confused by your illusions ,
trapped in sin and you're stuck .

when you're all alone ,
the drugs and money
can't keep you company .
so dont call my phone ,
cuz you're outta luck .

unnamed ~ 10/16/23
i'm the newest drug
out on the shelf ,
you'll give me a try
but settle
for something else .

broken mirrors
shimmiring lights
obediant eyes
and a mouth that fights .

not done!!!!!!

your purpose is beside me ~ 10/12/23
you left with the setting sun .
my body's gone cold ,
baby come back and hold me .
arms made just to keep me tight
my heart yearn's for yours .
aching , i'm in pain
and i need you .

lost ,
i thought i had you .
moments slipped between
my fingertips ,
i looked up and ...
you were gone .

peculiar girls make friends with their shadow ~ 10/02/23
she'll pray you never see her ,
though she sees you everyday .
like clockwork , she moves about
so just one look , she may .

undressing herself for you ,
delicately on display .
she'd give away all worldly things ,
just for one to stay .

words they often fail her ,
so not much she'll say .
you notice her peculiar ways
and pay the price she may .

no one to blame but her ,
"it'll all be okay!"
but still , it's no surprise
she wakes up alone today .

the deceitful gardener ~ 09/28/23
sore knees ,
fall's bitter breeze .
crunchy leaves
under our feet .

doe eyes
ruffles and frills conceal her lies .
as hard as she tries ,
he can see right through
her pretty little disguise .

he'll plant in her head
seeds of him .
when spring comes ,
and he's long gone .
she'll blossom once again .

play dates & heaven's gate ~ 09/27/23
tiptoeing this tight rope .
so high ,
off his dope .
eyes wide , tongue tied .
dont blame me ,
its just how i cope .

play dates where
we don't leave room for Jesus .
on my knees ,
and Lord knows who He can't trust .
i know God sees
what we do when its just us .

easy for you ~ 09/25/23
tension so sharp ,
it left me bruised .
i know why i'm here ,
and it's not for my attitude .

it's for
my frail waist ,
eyes wide and pained .
wrapped delicately in lace .
your pretty pink nymph ,
so dazed and confused .
discarded and used .
so "easy" for you .

i'll be easy .
perfect prey ,
willing victim .
hardwired to serve you .
call me insane ,
but it's all thanks to
the chemical imbalance
rotting away my brain .

pushing thoughts back ,
frantically fighting .
i stay passive ,
offer myself up to you .
cuz i've always been taught ,
thats what a girl is meant to do .

who am i ? if not with you .
break me and beat me ,
you're the glue
that hold's me together .
without you ,
i wouldn't know what to do.
baby please tell me ,
you love me like i love you .

you are the light in an abyss of darkness .
i've spent 17 years and 350 days
fighting just to be enough .
fighting just for that moment i had in your arms .
nine million, four hundred forty-five thousand minutes ,
still stuck up on the ten we had together .

God is an accomplished sculptor ~ 09/20/23
everytime my thoughts fade ,
i'm reminded of why i was so drawn to you .
i pull away but the feelings stay .
forever circling you , like one of your moons .

you're the angel on my shoulder ,
i know you'd never lead me astray .
eyes carved from gemstones
with a smile bright as day .
not a thing i would change ,
except to call you mine one day .

i know God took great care ,
on each crease and the tiniest hair .
im afraid to get near ,
you're so ethereal .

honestly , nevermind ~ 09/20/23
if you don't want me ,
why should i want you ?
guess we just weren't meant to be .
something i already knew .

i won't be left here ,
shivering in the darkness of your shadow .
was so content just to be near you ,
my heart so cold i guess it shattered .

men don't make me whole .
they beat me ,
chew me up ,
shrink me down to the size of my body .

God's given me a new point of view .
i'm kind , caring , and gentle .
i'm proud of the me that's without you .

i used to think a man defined a woman's femininity .
i thought serving you was my true
calling .
you mean nothing to me .
i guess now i know how you felt about us .
and honestly -
nevermind .
you're not worth my time .

texts go green ~ 09/18/23
keeping my mind busy ,
thoughts racing ; make me dizzy .
why'd u have to text me ?
was starting to forget we
were ever a possibility .

texts go green .
life doesnt feel the same ,
you really left your mark on me .
and there's nothing to blame ,
expect for the way he -
looks at me .

his pretty brown eyes .
one look and i'd do anything .
i'd rather be sad with you ,
than happy without you .

no response ,
i double text .
triple , quadruple , one more time .
i watch in horror as the
texts go green .

her own little miracle ~ 09/15/23
my other half ,
she makes me feel whole .
just the sight of her brings such joy ,
so hard to control .
the pleasantly giddy feeling ,
and a smile on my lips .
being with her is so intoxicating ,
but i'll take another sip .

God really wasn't lying ,
when He said opposites attract .
she's the creepy to my cute ,
the calm before my storm .
her beauty enhances my own .
a precious gift sent down from Him ,
she's her own little miracle .

in my bed , higher than heaven .
our biggest worries were -
our substances and our men .
she'll never know how much i adore her .
in Jesus' name , Amen .

reminders ~ 09/13/23
i was doing fine without you ,
'till i saw your face .
it reminded me how ,
you make
my heart skip and race .

it reminded me of
the forest and the warmth
of your embrace .
your love was
a feeling soft as lace .

it reminded me when ,
i took you to my place .
running so fast , with our hands interlaced .
we stumbled and tumbled over my fence .
left me with scrapes and a heart that aches .
cuts fade to scars .
i wince ,
pain fades but the memories stay .

it reminded me of
the pills i take .
in hopes to awake ,
and forget
i'm just one of your mistakes .

it reminded me ,
that i once called you
my safe space .
but i was so easy ,
for you to replace .

it reminded me that
you helped me find
His saving grace .
but even He ,
can't save me from this heart ache .

leeching off of him ~ 09/12/23
thoughts clouded and shrouded .
i see you in everything ,
and in nothing at all .

you can regret me , try to forget the
way we felt together .
but you're the only thing i've ever been sure of .
days turn to weeks , weeks merge to months .
i blink ,
and suddenly it's been over a year .

i never used to think ,
i could survive without your blood to drink .
i would shrivel and shrink ,
if i wasn't your leech .

viens full of poison .
rotting and clotting ,
my vision is spotting .
on the brink
of starvation .

but im no longer your leech .

brittle little heart ~ 09/12/23
saw you again today .
only this time
i felt fine .

i only jumped a little .
startled , not ashamed .
thoughts appear to settle ,
as the memories begin to fade .

okay ... not quite fading
but im no longer wading ,
in the pieces of my
brittle little heart .

limbo ~ 09/11/23
my manic obsession , his hollow confession .
this lovesick addiction , a self-made affliction .
permanent deja vu . never-ending time loop .

i do this to myself .
i'd run a mile in place ,
before anything changed .

refusal to break the cycle .
just one more day .
just one more heart break .
just one more lifetime .

alone ~ 09/10/23
the soft sound of my feet on the carpet ,
i like to imagine yours beside mine .
the men of my past loom over me ,
memories of them fixed forever in my head .

filled with the spirits of so many ,
so much so i've lost my own identity .
still utterly alone .
who are they now ?
i'll never know .

If my God exists why do I still mourn for those who don't ?
~ 09/08/23
every moment preserved and wrapped up neatly in my memories ,
a pandora's box flooding me with misery and shame .
but i still return to open you once more .
how could so much ,
mean so little to you ?

i almost didn't notice .
there's nothing to recognize , of the you i know .
your hair is so short now ,
your faith is so strong somehow .
i can't even seek refuge in look in your eyes .
disinterest , unfamiliarity , indifference .

i turned my head ,
watched as we grew farther apart .
as the distance grows so does my sorrow .
mourning the loss of someone who no longer exists .

you left me alone to rot ,
like lost parts .
parts only compatible with the model of us .
parts remodeled and disgarded once more ,
a never-ending cycle .

is this my destiny ?
fixing up people undeserving ,
bringing them peace in exchange for my own .
i made myself blind so that you could see .
left my own laundry dirty to keep yours clean .

how could so much ,
mean so little to you ?

lolita ~ 09/07/23
look me in my eyes ,
tell me you're mine .
surrender to your desires ,
theres no need to fight it .
you should know i quite like this .

you see the child in me ,
there's no way to hide it .
but i know that you quite like this .

your motives ,
crystal clear .
like waves crashing in at high tide .
sweep me off my feet .
im lost at sea ,
but i don't mind rocky waters .

bad habits ~ 09/06/23
not the same person you were before .
it's fine because i know you're happier .
cut off your hair ,
cut off your addiction ,
cut off your bad habits .
was i one of your bad habits ?
was i holding you back, like the ends of your hair ?
why did abandoning me have to be a part of your new identity .

i prayed for you to be mine -
prayers gone unanswered .
i always wish for things that were never meant to be ,
it's one of my bad habits .

i still feel you in my sheets ,
see you in my scars ,
hear you in the music ,
smell you on my jacket ,
and taste your lips against mine .
remembering people who are far gone ,
it's one of my bad habits .

forever wondering "what if ?" .
never forgetting the littlest of things .
every word that left your lips ,
i still sit and ponder .
living life for the "what ifs" ,
it's the worst of my bad habits .

*best experience on desktop*